Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
