Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
