We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
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