Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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