Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize