he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
