Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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