Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
