he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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