why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
We had to coat check the pizza.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I wish there were birth control emojis
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
