So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I will pee on everything he values.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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