I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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