I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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