I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
