My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
