oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
