How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
