Swine flu. Run for my life!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
