I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
