OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
