Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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