I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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