Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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