he told me I talked like a deaf person
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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