Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
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