my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
