epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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