my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Randomize
