Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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