I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Randomize
