Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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