Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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