What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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