Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
