So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
