I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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