hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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