Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize