i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
