He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
