Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
So much rum. So many feels.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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