Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
