Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Come see our sink grown plant.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
