My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
