is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
