I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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