Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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