So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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