He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
