addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Operation Purity has been aborted
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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