My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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