Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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