The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
