Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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