I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
