Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
