I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
