I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
