Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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