I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
