fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
how drunk are you?
Several
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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