y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Randomize
