3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
